Bent Presents: Jets Fantasy Season 2009

Although we’ll never be able to compete with the likes of KSK, since it’s Christmas, we thought we’d try our best to bring you some festive cheer for those of you that enjoy that kind of thing. We’ll be back with more in-depth analysis tomorrow, but for now we recap the 2009 Jets season with our own brand of juvenile, epic and bizarre wackiness. If that sounds like something you might be interested in, click here to check it out after the jump.

Week 1 – Running Right at Vernon Gholston
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[Texans QB Matt Schaub runs excitedly over to Head Coach Gary Kubiak, wielding a copy of the New York Daily News]

Matt Schaub: Coach, Coach! I’ve got it!

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Gary Kubiak: I thought it was Mark Sanchez that was supposed to have “it”.

Matt Schaub: No, not “it”…IT. They key to us being able to move the ball on the Jets this afternoon.

Gary Kubiak: Go on…

Matt Schaub: Well, it says here that all we need to do is run straight at Vernon Gholston behind Eric Winston. Apparently the kid struggles with shedding blocks.

Gary Kubiak: That’s great! Is the guy who says this reliable, though?

Matt Schaub: Let’s see…Rich Cimini. That’s the guy who said that Brandon Moore outperformed the rest of the offensive line last year despite the fact that two of them went to the Pro Bowl and one was a Pro Bowl alternate.

Gary Kubiak: Sounds convincing enough for me.

Matt Schaub: I’ll go and tell the guys in the huddle!

Gary Kubiak: We’d better not line Mario up opposite that Brandon Moore guy then.

[The Texans fall behind, as they struggle to move the ball in the first half]

Gary Kubiak: What’s going on? Why aren’t we running behind Eric at that Gholston guy.

Matt Schaub: We can’t! They keep putting him on the weakside, so he isn’t matched up with Eric.

Gary Kubiak: Never mind that. If he’s as bad at shedding blocks as that journalist says he is, then it won’t matter who’s blocking him.

Matt Schaub: I guess…

Gary Kubiak: Slaton! Get over here.

[Steve Slaton bounds over]

Steve Slaton: Yes, coach?

Gary Kubiak: I don’t care who he’s matched up with or where he is, I want you to get this next handoff and run straight at number 50. You got that?

Matt Schaub: But, coach…

Gary Kubiak: But nothing! Get out on the field.

[They fasten their chinstraps and run out onto the field]

Gary Kubiak: “But nothing!” I’ve always wanted to say that.

[Slaton takes the handoff and makes a beeline for Vernon Gholston. Sure enough, he is able to run right past Gholston who doesn’t even attempt to tackle him]

Matt Schaub: Happy now, Coach? Gholston wasn’t even in the game, so Steve just ran out of bounds for a one-yard loss.

GHOLSTON

Vernon Gholston: Do I get credit for a tackle for loss on that play?

Official Scorer: Sure, why not?

Vernon Gholston: Woo-hoo! Career high!

[Thomas Jones goes untouched into the endzone to put the Jets up 24-7]

Gary Kubiak: Wow, what has happened to our defense this week?

FRANKBUSH

Frank Bush: I’m sorry, Coach. I really thought not lining Mario up over Brandon Moore was going to make all the difference.

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Vociferous Texans Fan: Booooo! Get rid of Bush!

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(Somewhere in a CBS Studio in New York)

Charlie Casserly: One minute they want Bush, the next they don’t. I’m so confused.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HiJ9lYyj4uQ

Gary Kubiak: Look out!

[They all scatter, but too late to avoid getting wiped out by a flying Chris Myers]

Kris Jenkins: Ooops.

Final Score – Jets 24 Texans 7

Week 2 – Pats on Their Backs

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[Darrelle Revis is sitting in the locker room reading aloud from a PFT article on his BlackBerry]

Darrelle Revis: …the twenty seven year old guaranteed he would hit Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady “at least six times”…

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Kerry Rhodes: Kerry Rhodes never said that!

Darrelle Revis: …and promised that, if he didn’t, he would run around the Meadowlands parking lot naked with his face and back painted green, in an interview on Corey Griffin’s radio show last week.

Kerry Rhodes: Huh? Kerry Rhodes has never even been on that show.

Bart_Scott

Bart Scott: It’s too late to go back on your word now. You’re either gonna have to hit him six times or you’re going streakin’, baby!

Kerry Rhodes: Go back on my word? What the hell?

Darrelle Revis: He’s right, Kerry. If it’s on the internet, everyone’s going to think it’s true. You’ll have to do it or your reputation will be in tatters.

Kerry Rhodes: *shakes fist* Florio!

[The teams are stretching before the game]

brady

Kerry Rhodes: Hey, Tom! Before we start, Kerry Rhodes just wanted to reassure you that Kerry Rhodes didn’t say anything about going after your knee.

Tom Brady: That’s okay, Kerry. Talk is cheap anyway.

Kerry Rhodes: Right. Tell that to Anthony Smith.

Tom Brady: Pardon?

Kerry Rhodes: Nothing. Hey good luck. *Pats Brady on the back three times*

Tom Brady: Those three don’t count, by the way.

Kerry Rhodes: Dammit!

[The defense is just about to take the field for the Patriots’ opening drive. Rex Ryan gathers his troops for final instructions]

Jets Camp Football

Rex Ryan: Okay, guys, settle down. Here’s the plan for this opening drive. After all the talk in the press about coming after them and trying to embarrass them, we thought it would be a good idea to just sit back in a prevent for this first drive. That’s the last thing they’ll be expecting.

Kerry Rhodes: Oh, no! You’re kidding!

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Bob Sutton: That’s it, everyone sit back in a prevent for this first drive.

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Mike Pettine: Hey, it’s not your job to repeat the Head Coach’s defensive instructions any more, that’s my job! Get back to warming Jay Feely’s balls.

[Sutton goes over and sits on a football like a chicken trying to hatch an egg, to keep it warm for the kicker…well, what else could that have meant?]

Rex Ryan: Now, everyone get out there, try your best, stay disciplined, remember your assignments and play fair to the whistle.

Kerry Rhodes: You know, Coach, you’re nothing like how they portray you in the media.

Rex Ryan: Thanks!

[The defensive ploy works like a charm and the Pats are held scoreless for most of the first quarter, but Leon Washington’s fumble is recovered by Leigh Bodden to set up a field goal for a 3-0 New England lead]

keels

Alvin Keels: Leon Washington, one of the best playmakers in the AFC, was clearly down on that fumble.

[Everyone ignores him]

Alvin Keels: What a fumble recovery by my client Leigh Bodden.

[Everyone ignores him]

Alvin Keels: Hey, Mike, okay, you won’t go for $6m a year. How about $5.99m?

[Mike Tannenbaum ignores him]

Alvins Keels: Awww, you’re breaking my balls, man.

[Mike Tannenbaum ignores him]

Alvin Keels: I’m locked in, baby. Who’s with me? Anyone? Screw you guys, I’m going home.

[Heads off to “pool party” – ie hotel Jacuzzi – alone]

[The Jets trail at halftime, but Mark Sanchez throws a touchdown pass to give them a lead]

Bart Scott: Listen guys, I know this passive-conservative defensive gameplan is working, but I can’t take it any more, I gotta get after that smug Brady.

Kerry Rhodes: Finally! Let’s get him.

Shaun Ellis: Can I come too?

David Harris: Let’s all go. Rex won’t mind!

[They send an 11-man blitz on the next 30 consecutive plays and the rattled Pats are unable to recapture the lead. Midway through the fourth quarter, Bart Scott knocks down Brady for the umpteenth time. Kerry Rhodes arrives three seconds later and dives on the pile]

Kerry Rhodes: That’s five! One more to go.

Bart Scott: Right guys, third and one. Stop them now and it’s basically over. Let’s go for the all-out blitz again!

[They line up as the Pats look set to snap the ball]

Jets Little Leonhard Football

“Hacksaw” Jim Leonhard: *Drops down into a three point stance* Hooooooooo! USA! USA!

Bryan Thomas: Da-da da-da da-daaaa….

Bart Scott: *Paints half of his face green* …but they’ll never take our freedom!

Eric Smith: *Puts on a Manu Ginobili jersey and falls over* Hey, ref! That’s a…

Drew Coleman: *Dances at the line of scrimmage* My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like “It’s better than yours”, damn right, it’s better than yours, I could teach you, but I’d have to…

All: Chaaaaaarge!!!

[Fred Taylor gets the ball, but is hit in the backfield by Thomas, then Scott, then Coleman and finally…]

Sione Pouha: *Devours Fred Taylor*

Kerry Rhodes: Aww, never mind, Tom. *Gives him a consoling pat on the helmet* Yes!!! That’s six!

[The Jets hang on to win]

Tom Brady: Damn, we lost. And Kerry got to me six times. Still, at least they didn’t “embarrass us” like they said they would.

NFL Spying

Bill Belichick: Tom, we lost. To the Jets. The freakin’ Jets! Can you really say you aren’t embarrassed?

Tom Brady: Oh. Er…ah…um, talk is cheap, Boss. Let’s never speak of this again.

[He takes a shower, but is tragically unable to wash away the stench of defeat, which ultimately plagues him for the rest of his life, including his ill-advised comeback attempt with the Bengals in 2017, his last place finish on Dancing with the Stars and eventual fade into obscurity]

Final Score: Jets 16 Pats 9

Week 3 – Treating this Game Like it’s the Pro Bowl

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[As the team is due to take the field for their third game of the season, Kris Jenkins enters the locker room following several hours of treatment on his ailing back and is stunned to find that nobody else has arrived yet. After a couple of minutes of frantic phone calls, the entire team arrives and enters the locker room en masse]

Kris Jenkins: Where the hell have you guys been?

Alan Faneca: Relax, man, we’ve just been out playing golf.

Kris Jenkins: Golf? We’re due to kickoff in ten minutes…and you’ve all been playing golf?

Nick Mangold: Don’t be ridiculous, we haven’t ALL been playing golf. Some of us have been sunbathing at the beach.

Kris Jenkins: Sunbathing? On a mild September afternoon? What’s going on?

Alan Faneca: What? It was your idea!

Kris Jenkins: I think I would remember something like that.

Nick Mangold: Dude, you said we were going to treat last week’s game like it was our Superbowl and we got a huge win. So, we decided to treat this one like it was the Pro Bowl. That’s what usually happens the week after the Superbowl.

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Kerry Rhodes: Yeah, Kerry Rhodes is not playing this week. *Goes home*

Kris Jenkins: We can’t treat this game like the Pro Bowl. There’s no blitzing in the Pro Bowl for one thing…and you have to drastically simplify the playbook.

Nick Mangold: That’s cool. We had a winning record playing like that last year.

Kris Jenkins: Good point.

[The Jets storm into an early 14 point lead]

Kris Jenkins: Well, I gotta hand it to you guys, this was actually a pretty good plan. Everyone’s playing like they’re a Pro Bowler, even Hartsock!

Nick Mangold: What did I tell you?

Kerry Rhodes: *Comes running out of the tunnel* Hey, guys! Guys!

Kris Jenkins: I thought you went home.

Kerry Rhodes: Kerry Rhodes did, but on Sportscenter they just said that this year the Pro Bowl is the week BEFORE the Superbowl, not after it.

Kris Jenkins: So, what’s the week after the Superbowl?

Nick Mangold: I guess we don’t even have to show up.

[The Jets fail to show up for the next two quarters and find themselves trailing late in the third]

Kris Jenkins: This is kind of ridiculous. We shouldn’t be losing to these guys. Even Houston beat these guys and their starting center is a guy I used for javelin practice.

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Brad Smith: You’re right. Let’s win this game.

Kris Jenkins: We need to get the ball back first, it looks like we’re going to have to punt again.

Brad Smith: Don’t worry, I just got off the phone to Calvin Pace. We have a plan.

[Steve Weatherford booms a punt, which Ryan Mouton predictably muffs and Brad Smith dives on him]

Brad Smith: Raaarggh! MMA-Style Crucifix Neck Cramp!

Ryan Mouton: Wow. Put some clothes on, dude.

[Larry Izzo falls on the ball to set up the go-ahead touchdown and the Jets hold out for a seven-point win]

NFL Rookies Football

Mark Sanchez: Hey, Coach, I just wanted to say I’m sorry about the fumbles and everything.

Rex Ryan: That’s okay, Mark. You tried your best and we won the game! That’s the main thing. As long as we strive to get better each day, then we will continue growing as a team.

Mark Sanchez: You really are nothing like how they portray you in the media.

Rex Ryan: Thanks!

[Sanchez leaves as Rex nods knowingly]

Final Score: Jets 24 Titans 17

Week 4 – Rex Does Not Like to Lose

[The Jets return to the locker room, having lost for the first time all season]

Mark Sanchez: Well, at least we tried our best. Just weren’t too lucky with one or two bounces of the ball and officiating decisions. Where’s Rex?

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[Rex Ryan comes crashing through the wall, despite the fact there is a doorway three feet to the left]

Rex Ryan: RAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!! REX DOES NOT LIKE TO LOSE!

Mark Sanchez: What? I thought you said…

Rex Ryan: DON’T YOU EVEN LOOK AT ME, ROOKIE! I DON’T EVEN WANT TO REMEMBER YOU EXIST RIGHT NOW!

[Sanchez silently skulks away to a quiet corner]

Rex Ryan: HEY! CONGRATULATIONS ROOKIE, YOU MANAGED TO DO THAT WITHOUT GIVING THE OTHER TEAM SIX POINTS. THAT’S PROGRESS.

[Sanchez hides in a locker and an uneasy silence descends on the locker room]

Rex Ryan: Twenty Four. Ten. Twenty. Four. Ten. *Pauses, huffs and puffs* TWENTYFOURTEN!!! TWENTY [EXPLETIVE] FOUR [EXPLETIVE] TEN!!! TO THE [EXPLETIVE] SAINTS! AAAAARRRGGGHHH! REX SMASH!

[He smashes up the whole locker room, then turns to Chansi Stuckey]

Rex Ryan: As for you, Chansi SUCKY, you have ten seconds to explain to me why you didn’t catch that ball.

Chansi Stuckey: Well…

Rex Ryan: NOT [EXPLETIVE] GOOD ENOUGH. GETOFFAMYGODDAMTEAM!

[He throws Stuckey through the wall, three feet to the other side of the door, then turns to Jason Trusnik]

Rex Ryan: And as for you, Jason, um, SUCKY, you have ten seconds to explain to me why you didn’t prevent that last touchdown.

jasontrusnik

Jason Trusnik: I wasn’t even on the field!

Rex Ryan: IT’S BAD ENOUGH WHEN MY OFFENSIVE PLAYERS ARE LOSING FUMBLES. I CAN’T AFFORD FOR MY DEFENSIVE PLAYERS TO LOSE FUMBLES TOO.

Jason Trusnik: Fumble? What fumble? I didn’t lose a fumble.

Rex Ryan: YES, YOU DID! YOU HAD THE GAME BALL FROM LAST WEEK AND THEN YOU LOST IT TO VERNON OF ALL PEOPLE. IF THAT’S NOT A FUMBLE, I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS. THAT’S WHY HE WAS ON THE FIELD AND YOU [EXPLETIVE] WEREN’T.

Jason Trusnik: But that’s not…

Rex Ryan: GETOFFAMYGODDAMTEAM! WEATHERFORD, PUT YOUR FINGER ON JASON’S HEAD. FEELY, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

[Jay Feely boots him out the door, although he moved left at the last minute and narrowly missed the door frame. Another uneasy silence falls on the room, broken only by a meek knock at the door]

Rex Ryan: Everybody, I want you to meet South Carolina Defensive End Eric Norwood and California Cornerback Syd’Quan Thompson. This is who we’re planning to take with our 3rd and 5th round picks in next year’s draft. Now, guys…WHY DIDN’T YOU DO ANYTHING TO STOP US FROM [EXPLETIVE] LOSING?

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Eric Norwood: Are you serious? We aren’t even in the NFL yet.

Rex Ryan: I DON’T CARE! GETOFFAMYGODDAMTEAM!

[The sheer volume of Rex Ryan’s voice propels them both out through a nearby window]

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Mike Pettine: Yeah, get off o’ his team!

Rex Ryan: Okay, guys, gather round, take a knee. Right, this was a slight setback today, but we’re still headed in the right direction. Good effort today, fellas. Let’s have a good week of practice and we’ll come back strong for the Dolphins game next week. Now, let’s get back to the hotel and get some rest before the flight home.

[He leaves the room]

Brandon Moore: Wow. He REALLY does not like to lose. Let’s try to keep winning.

[Elsewhere, Braylon Edwards is sitting at home in Cleveland, watching film]

Braylon Edwards: Oh man, we look like one of the worst teams in the league right now. We are an absolute shambles and a laughing stock. We can’t block anyone, our quarterback can’t hold onto the ball, we can’t stop the run…I sure hope we manage to beat the Dolphins on Monday Night.

Final Score: Jets 10 Saints 24

Week 5 – [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE]

[The teams leave the field after the Jets lost to a touchdown inside the last ten seconds on the road against the mighty AFC East champions]

rex2

Rex Ryan: [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE]

Calvin Pace: But…

Rex Ryan: [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE]

[Dwight Lowery and Drew Coleman fittingly arrive a few moments too late]

Rex Ryan: [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE]

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Darrelle Revis: It wasn’t my…

Rex Ryan: [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE]

[He bashes Kerry Rhodes and Thomas Jones’ heads together. Jones stumbles forward a couple of yards then falls down]

Rex Ryan: [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE]

[A hush descends on the locker room]

Rex Ryan: [Expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] !!!

[The team charges out of the locker room inspired and ready for their next game]

mike-pettine

Mike Pettine: (Calls out after them) Yeah, [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE]

Rex Ryan: Give it up, Mike.

Final Score: Jets 27 Dolphins 31

Week Six – Learning to Let Go

[Overtime: After a tough struggle in difficult conditions, the Jets are driving towards field goal range. They huddle up with the ball on the 22 yard line.]

NFL Rookies Football

Mark Sanchez: Right guys, it’s tough conditions for field goal kicking, so let’s try and pick up some yards to get it closer for Jay. Don’t take any chances. Okay? Break!

[Everybody claps in unison as they break the huddle, apart from Braylon Edwards, who attempts to clap, but his hands miss each other]

Mark Sanchez: Red! Forty three! Blue! Nineteen! Set…

[Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of white light]

Mark Sanchez: What the heck was that?

Thomas Jones: Lightning?

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Tony Richardson: I think it might have been a rip in the space-time continuum. We may now be in a parallel universe.

Thomas Jones: What is it with these fullbacks and their obsession with Sci-Fi?

D’Brickashaw Ferguson: Don’t snap the ball yet, Nick, Ben’s gone into some kind of trance!

[Six months into the future, Ben Hartsock is sitting on a couch at a pyschotherapist’s. You may wish to picture him as Dr. Katz or Gabriel Byrne, depending on your age…]

Ben Hartsock: So, that’s my story, Doc.

tobias

Psychotherapist: Interesting. So these dreams involved smurfs, you say?

Ben Hartsock: That’s right. What does it mean?

Psychotherapist: I think you are trying to resist change. You want to keep things like they were a few years ago. That may be unrealistic.

Ben Hartsock: What can I do to make things right?

Psychotherapist: You’ve just got to learn to let go…(let go…let go…learn to let go…)

[Back to reality]

D’Brickashaw Ferguson: Wake up, man, there’s two on the play clock.

Ben Hartsock: Huh? Where am I?

[Sanchez takes the snap and hands it off to Thomas Jones. Hartsock grabs the nearest Bills player and screams in his face.]

Ben Hartsock: What the heck is going on?!?!

Voice in Ben Hartsock’s head: You’ve got to learn to let go…

[Hartsock lets go, doesn’t get called for a hold and Thomas Jones is tackled down at the 15 yard line]

Corey Griffin: [From the crowd] KICK THE [EXPLETIVE] FIELD GOAL NOW, YOU MORONS!!!

Rex Ryan: I think we should kick the [expletive] field goal now.

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Brian Schottenheimer: You weak-minded fool.

[Jay Feely kicks the field goal and the Jets win the game]

Mark Sanchez: Hold on…Something doesn’t feel right here.

Thomas Jones: Yeah, we won the game, but I have an odd feeling that something’s not right.

Tony Richardson: Well, it definitely says “Jets win the game” three lines up the page, so I guess we did.

Mark Sanchez: Um…cool?

Tony Richardson: Don’t none of you guys watch “FlashForward”?

Thomas Jones: Nope.

Final Score: Jets 16 Bills 13 (OT)

Week Seven – Hot Dog, Dunking Comp, Al Davis: Turkey

Calvin-Pace-Jets

[Calvin Pace runs back to the sideline after forcing a turnover on the game’s first play]

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Rex Ryan: Who are you?

[With the Jets already up 7-0, Mark Sanchez extends the lead on a QB draw up the middle, then dunks the ball over the goalposts]

Braylon Edwards: Boomshakalaka!

Jerricho Cotchery: Is it the shoes?

Dustin Keller: He’s on fire!

[In the third quarter, the Jets have extended their lead out to 24-0. Sanchez throws a 35 yard TD pass to David Clowney, who runs up to the goalpost to attempt his own dunk]

Braylon Edwards: Uh-oh…

Jerricho Cotchery: Look out…

Dustin Keller: *sarcastically covers his eyes and peeps through his fingers*

[Clowney does “the Wu Tang Fandago” in mid-air and dunks the ball two handed over the crossbar]

Braylon Edwards: Ohhhhhhh!!!

Jerricho Cotchery: If you don’t like that, you don’t like NFL football.

Dustin Keller: Puts up a brick! Uh, sorry, I’ve run out of things to say. Nice…dunk?

David Clowney: Many thanks, gentlemen. I’m honored to have met your approval and look forward to working with you all over the course of the rest of the season.

Dustin Keller: You know, you’re nothing like how they portray you in the media.

[Mark Sanchez is sitting on the bench, next to Sione Pouha]

Mark Sanchez: Well, we won the game, but I lost the dunk contest and Leon got hurt. I need to cheer myself up. *Devours Hot Dog*

[17 paparazzi cameramen start taking pictures while 12 beat writers feverishly jot down their character assassinations]

Sione Pouha: Oops. Tough break, kid. *Devours sandwich*

Final Score – Jets 38 Raiders 0

Week Eight – Stop that TedGinn

mike_westhoff

[Mike Westhoff calls his coverage unit over for an inspirational pep talk]

Mike Westhoff: Stop the TedGinn, Stop the TedGinn, Stop the TedGinn, Stop the TedGinn, Stop the TedGinn, Stop the TedGinn, Stop the TedGinn…

Wallace Wright: How?

Mike Westhoff: Nab him, jab him, tab him, grab him…stop that TedGinn now!

[Feely kicks off and they surround Ginn before Vernon Gholston tackles him]

Mike Westhoff: Great job. Now why didn’t you do that the first two [expletive] times?

[The coverage unit hang their heads and skulk off to the bench]

Mike Westhoff: Not you, Vernon, you come here.

GHOLSTON

Vernon Gholston: What is it, coach?

Mike Westhoff: I just wanted to say “nice tackle”. You showed good hustle, athleticism and technique out there.

Vernon Gholston: Thanks!

Mike Westhoff: You know, you’re nothing like how they portray you in the media.

Vernon Gholston: Yes, I am.

[In the locker room, after the game, Sione Pouha spots a familiar face]

Sione Pouha: Hey, aren’t you “Bent” from the website TJB?

Bent: Yes, I am. How did you…?

Sione Pouha: Never mind that. You’re the one who constantly makes it seem like all I ever do is devour sandwiches. I’m an important contributor to this team this year.

Bent: I’m sorry, it’s not supposed to suggest that you *actually* devour sandwiches all the time, what I do is write satire, intended to mock those who make assumptions and over the top proclamations about certain players and coaches, while written in such a way that those people can enjoy it too on a different level. Look at it this way, people used to say that DeWayne Robertson was constantly “on rollerskates”. Did I agree with that? Of course not, he was solid at the point of attack, but if I ever wrote a Jets/Flintstones parody, you better believe he’d play the part of the waitress who brings Fred his food in the opening credits.

Sione Pouha: Couple things: First, stop building your part up. Second, don’t analyze comedy, because it stops being funny when you do that. Third, that’s the lamest explanation I’ve ever heard and your characterizations are stupid and unrealistic.

Bent: But, I…

Sione Pouha: *Devours Bent*

Final Score: Jets 25 Miami 30

Week Nine – Ryan Seeks-Rest

Jets Camp Football

[After the tough loss to the Dolphins, Rex needs to get away and relax for the bye week. He decides to stay at his father’s ranch in Kentucky and manages to find himself a secluded spot to set up his hammock in]

Rex Ryan: Ahhh…finally a chance to relax after our 5 and 3 start. Wait…5 and 3? Uh, yes, that’s right. We *did* beat the Bills, after all.

Young Farm Hand: Hey! It’s Rex Ryan!

Rex Ryan: Oh, no. Not again!

Slightly Older Farm Hand: Rex! Hey! How’s it going, buddy!

Rex Ryan: Uh, hi guys. Listen, I don’t mean to be rude but…

Young Farm Hand: (Excitedly) Yes? Yes?

Rex Ryan: …I’m just trying to get some peace and quiet.

Young Farm Hand: Aw, I thought he was going to make some comment about Puppy-tubing or something equally offensive.

Slightly Older Farm Hand: What on earth is “Puppy Tubing”?

Young Farm Hand: That isn’t what I said. I guess the TJB spam filter made it come out funny.

Rex Ryan: You guys know that’s just a character on a website called KSK, don’t you? I’m not really like that.

Young Farm Hand: What? Oh, I get it, you’re just messin’ with us, right, Rex?

Rex Ryan: No, not at all.

Young Farm Hand: I’m ready to run through a wall. Come on, let’s KILLLLLLLLL!!!!!

Rex Ryan: No, no, don’t do that!

[The two farm hands mutilate a defenceless horse with their bare hands]

Rex Ryan: Oh, man, I’m really going to hear it from those PETA guys again.

[Later, at the dinner table…]

Rex Ryan: Oh well, every cloud…

Week Ten – Boo Hoo Hoo

rex2

[The Jets trudge dejectedly back to the locker room after their crushing defeat on the last play of the game against the Jags.]

Rex Ryan: Ugh. Another loss. I can’t take this. Everybody, gather round, take a knee.

[Everyone gathers round]

Rex Ryan: Right…You!

Ahmad Carroll: Me?

Rex Ryan: Yes, you! GETOFFAMYGODDAMTEAM. If you can be bothered, that is.

Ahmad Carroll: But I didn’t even play today. The last time I played, we won 38-0!

Rex Ryan: Just leave, will you? *Sigh*

Bart_Scott

Bart Scott: Coach, what’s wrong? You used to love cutting people. I get the impression your heart isn’t in this anymore.

Rex Ryan: To be honest, it’s tough. We’ve been playing well in spurts, but never in all three phases at once or for all four quarters. It almost feels as if we’ve started to become accustomed to losing. I’m beginning to feel that way myself.

Mark Sanchez: Come on, coach, we’ve had some bad luck, but we still believe in ourselves. That’s what you instilled in us and we trust the gameplan and remain confident about the rest of the season.

Thomas Jones: Yeah, we realize we’re improving and that if we cut out the mistakes – which will happen over time – that we are capable of beating anyone.

Dustin Keller: Yeah, we can still make the playoffs. We can do it!

Everybody Else: Yeah!

Rex Ryan: That’s exactly the reaction I was looking for. You see, I believe in you guys too. We have the talent to be a really good team and we can still get the job done, even without the people we’ve lost to injury. I’d go to my grave defending that. And I also believe that we are not out of the playoff hunt yet.

Darrelle Revis: Coach, are you crying?

Rex Ryan: I’m not crying…I’m VOMITING FROM MY EYES! That was the most disgusting performance I have ever seen and I’ve had to witness some pretty disgusting performances over the course of my career…like, for example, EVERY OTHER PERFORMANCE BY YOU GUYS THIS SEASON!

Bart Scott: But…

Rex Ryan: I was just out in the corridor and I stopped Maurice Jones-Drew to tell him how well he played and he said he’d forgotten what it felt like to be stopped. Then I saw Quentin Groves walk past, a few yards away. HEAR THAT? I SAW HIM! WHY DIDN’T YOU SEE HIM, MARK?!?!

NFL Rookies Football

Mark Sanchez: I…

Rex Ryan: SHUT YOUR HOLE! Although it does make a change to see SOMEONE opening a hole!

Brandon Moore: Well…

Rex Ryan: IT’S TOO LATE NOW! We threw this game away!

Kerry Rhodes: Yes, but…

Rex Ryan: Oh, you’ve decided you’re talking to us, now? MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T IGNORE YOUR TEAMMATES, YOU WOULDN’T END UP COSTING US THE GAME. GETOFFAMYGODDAMTEAM!

Mike Tannenbaum: Er, coach, that would put us $10m over the cap and force us to release half of the roster just to get back under.

Rex Ryan: What?!?! Ugh…well, I’ve got half a mind to do that, but okay, Kerry, you get a second chance, but don’t play like a little girl next week against the Patriots, otherwise you’re benched.

rhodes

Kerry Rhodes: Kerry Rhodes understands.

Rex Ryan: Okay, everyone gather round, take a knee.

Darrelle Revis: We already did.

Rex Ryan: Right. Listen, I’m sorry to get so emotional. I *do* believe in you guys. Let’s just get our heads right and start winning some games, okay?

Everyone: Yes, Coach.

Rex Ryan: …oh, and when you speak to the media, tell them I *was* crying, so that everybody underestimates us for the rest of the season.

Final Score: Jets 22 Jags 24

Week Eleven – Nothing to See Here.

Umm, let’s just forget this happened. Okay?

Week Twelve – Every Game is a Playoff Game

[The team gathers together before the game and Head Coach Rex Ryan addresses them]

Jets Camp Football

Rex Ryan: Right, team. I’ve brought you together today for a very important reason. Right now, we are actually 5-4, because last week’s game against the Pats never happened and we inexplicably won the Bills game – which still doesn’t feel right for some reason. Despite this fact, we need to win the rest of our games to have any chance of making the postseason, which doesn’t exactly make sense, but go with it.

rhodes

Kerry Rhodes: So, this is like a PLAYOFF GAME?

Rex Ryan: Yes. Every game from now on is a playoff game.

Kerry Rhodes: Great! That triggers a $1.5m bonus clause in my contract.

Mike Tannenbaum: Er, Kerry, you know how there was that flash of light during the Bills game and we ended up in a parallel universe?

Kerry Rhodes: Yes?

Mike Tannenbaum: Well, in this dimension, you have a $1.5m de-escalator clause that kicks in if you get benched.

Kerry Rhodes: Aww…Kerry Rhodes is not happy about that.

Rex Ryan: Anyway, guys, we need to get out there and win this thing.

[The team returns to the locker room following a comfortable win]

Rex Ryan: Wow, that was easy.

Jetsminicamplw30

Brian Schottenheimer: Who gets the game ball this week, coach?

Rex Ryan: Heh, I think we should give it to Delhomme. Here, Mark, go give this to Jake Delhomme!

[Sanchez goes into the Jags locker room and tosses the gameball to Jake Delhomme. Unfortunately, Leigh Bodden catches it.]

Mark Sanchez: I don’t get it.

Final Score: Jets 17 Panthers 6

Week Thirteen – Restoring the Space-Time Continuum

[Braylon Edwards and Jerricho Cotchery are talking as the Jets are warming up before their game]

Jerricho Cotchery: You realize they have different rules here in Canada, right?

braylon

Braylon Edwards: Like what?

Jerricho Cotchery: They’re allowed an extra guy on defense, the field’s bigger, the goalposts are in a different place. That sort of thing.

Braylon Edwards: Oh, yeah, I’ve seen this “Canadian Football” before. I know what I’m doing.

[Late first quarter, game tied 3-3. Mark Sanchez throws deep to Braylon Edwards]

Braylon Edwards: My ball!

[He leaps up and the ball hits him in the helmet]

Jerricho Cotchery: What was that?!?!

Braylon Edwards: I was trying to flick it on, because I figured you were going to break their offside trap and run into the penalty area. I thought it was a good header!

Jerricho Cotchery: Uh, no…that’s not Canadian Football. That’s soccer. You’re still supposed to catch the ball and try and get into the endzone.

[Late in the first half, the Jets trail 10-9, when Edwards catches the ball and gets into the endzone.]

Braylon Edwards: You mean like that?

Jerricho Cotchery: Right!

[Early in the second half, the Jets still lead 16-10, but face a crucial third down in the shadow of their endzone]

NFL Rookies Football

Mark Sanchez: Uh oh, here comes the rush. Better step up. Hey, I might be able to pick up the first down here. No, wait, coach Ryan told me to slide, so I’d better do that. Wait a minute…Who am I talking to?

[He slides a yard short of the marker and the Jets have to punt.]

Rex Ryan: What are you doing?!?! You could have had the first down there.

Mark Sanchez: But, you told me to…

Rex Ryan: I don’t care what I told you. You can’t leave big plays on the field like that. GETOFFAMYGODDAMTEAM!

Mike Tannenbaum: Er, Rex, that would put us over the salary cap by…

Rex Ryan: Fine, fine. He gets another chance. I’ll just bench him for the next game and a half. [Expletive] salary cap. Kellen, you’re in.

Kellen

Kellen Clemens: I am?

[Having been forced to punt from deep in their own territory, the Jets are under pressure throughout the second half and the Bills dominate the field position battle, going on to win]

Mark Sanchez: Hold on…Something doesn’t feel right here.

Thomas Jones: Yeah, we lost the game, but I have an odd feeling that something’s not right.

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Tony Richardson: Well, it definitely says the Jets lost the game three lines up the page, so I guess we did.

Mark Sanchez: Um…dammit?

Thomas Jones: …and all because you decided to slide instead of diving for the first down.

Tony Richardson: This game shall forever be remembered in Jets folklore as “The Slidey Game”.

[Suddenly, there’s another blinding flash of light]

Mark Sanchez: What the heck was that?

Tony Richardson: I think it might have been another rip in the space-time continuum. We may now be back in the original universe we started off in.

Mark Sanchez: Well, how do we know about the parallel universe, then?

Tony Richardson: OUR timeline differs from the actual, um…Didn’t none of you guys watch “Back to the Future”?

Mark Sanchez: Nah, it was released one year before I was born.

Tony Richardson: Damn…

Final Score: Jets 16 Bills 19 in the parallel universe, but Jets 19 Bills 13 in this reality, which makes then 6-6 (because in this reality they lost to the Bills, but the Pats game DID happen). (Phew).

Week Fourteen – KIIIILLLLLLL!!!

[The team gathers together before the game and Head Coach Rex Ryan addresses them]

rex2

Rex Ryan: Right, team. I’ve brought you together today for a very important reason. For reasons I don’t quite understand, our win last week elevated us from being a 6-4 team to being a 6-6 team. So, we still need to win the rest of our games to have any chance of making the postseason. Therefore, this is yet another playoff game.

Kellen

Kellen Clemens: I’m starting a playoff game? Wow.

Darrelle Revis: How the heck did Tampa make the playoffs? And Buffalo and Carolina, for that matter.

Rex Ryan: Too many questions…just make sure you win today, okay?

David Harris: Aren’t you going to tell us to KIIIIIILLLLLL?!?!

Rex Ryan: Don’t tell me you’ve been reading that website too.

David Harris: Oh, go on.

Rex Ryan: Oh, alright. (Half heartedly) Kiiiiilllll!!!

[The team, suitably inspired, charges out of the locker room at a hundred miles an hour]

Rex Ryan: Um, guys, we don’t kick off for another five hours…

Final Score: Jets 26 Bucs 3

Week Fifteen – Season. Over.

[The team gathers together before the game and Head Coach Rex Ryan addresses them]

Jets Camp FootballRex Ryan: Right, team. I’ve brought you together today for a very important reason. As you know, I’ve been saying for the last three weeks that each game was a playoff game.

Thomas Jones: Yes?

Rex Ryan: …and we’ve won all three.

Jerricho Cotchery: So?

Rex Ryan: …so, if you win three playoff games in a row, that entitles you to play in the Superbowl.

NFL Rookies Football

Mark Sanchez: Wow.

rhodes

Kerry Rhodes: Kerry Rhodes has an incentive clause that triggers if we…

Mike Tannenbaum: No, you don’t.

Kerry Rhodes: Aw.

kris-jenkins

Kris Jenkins: Yeah, but didn’t we already win our Superbowl back in week two?

Rex Ryan: Exactly.

Thomas Jones: So, we are Superbowl champions!

Rex Ryan: Pretty much.

Dustin Keller: Nice one. We don’t even need to show up for today’s game.

[The players celebrate wildly, spraying one another with champagne. Eventually, the phone rings and Rex Ryan answers it and motions for everyone to be quiet]

Rex Ryan: Why, thank you Mister President…(pause)…Yes, I am very excited to be a Superbowl champion in my first ever season…(pause)…Hahaha. Yes we can, indeed!…(pause)…Hang on, let me put you on speakerphone. 2009 Superbowl Champion New York Jets, you’re on with the President!

[The players all cheer]

Obama

President Obama: I would like to congratulate all the players and staff from the New York Jets for becoming Superbowl champions for the first time in over forty years.

Rex Ryan: Alright, don’t rub it in.

President Obama: Well, congratulations again, I have to go now.

Rex Ryan: Oh, Mister President, before you go, I have a joke for you.

President Obama: Okay, go on then.

Rex Ryan: Knock Knock.

President Obama: Who’s there?

Rex Ryan: Darrelle Revis. Darrelle Revis is ALWAYS there.

President Obama: Darrelle Revis. Darrelle Revis is ALWAYS there…who?

Rex Ryan: No, you messed it up! Oh, forget it.

President Obama: I don’t get it.

Rex Ryan: Neither does the other team’s number one receiver. ZING!

Final Score: Jets 7 Falcons 10, although it doesn’t matter because the Jets are already Superbowl Champions. Well, sort of. Okay, not in the slightest, but I had to give you a happy ending somehow.

Merry Christmas!




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