Our new friend @Cop_Rock has filed another instant classic reviewing the Dolphins appearance on Hard Knocks. Enjoy. -Bassett
After a one year hiatus due to the lockout, Hard Knocks returned to HBO this past week at the training camp home of the Miami Dolphins. In case you don’t have HBO, here’s the recap from a Jets fan perspective.
This week on Hard Knocks: Chumming the Waters, the sharks are circling Chad Johnson, HBO chooses ping pong over cheerleaders, and we get to find out Lauren Tannehill’s idea of “dedicated.”
This episode includes some really serious and heartbreakingly sad stuff which I’m not going to talk about because it does not fit in with my agenda. What can I say, it’s election season.
Les Brown is in trouble. He still can’t block. The coaches forgot to put him in the game in the fourth quarter. And he’s lost his favored son status as the “white guy who didn’t play college football trying to make the team” to Sweet Laxer Chris Hogan. Hogan’s earned the nickname “7/11” from Reggie Bush because he’s always open…WHICH IS RIDICULOUS BECAUSE HIS ALTERNATE NICKNAME IS “HOAGIE” AND THUS SHOULD OBVIOUSLY BE CALLED “WAWA”. The guy is from Monmouth, too. Maybe Reggie is saving “WaWa” for himself because every time he goes in he ends up getting stuffed.
Josh Samuda, boy did YOU pick the wrong day to get involuntarily hazed. He’s got shaved eyebrows and a new haircut shaped like private parts. Joe Philbin is not amused:
“Glad we are such a first class organization.”
Joe knows he coaches the Dolphins, right? The same Dolphins whose most famous player once starred in a movie alongside “Captain Winky”? Whatever. I’m sure Dolphins fans don’t mind, and appreciate the salute.
Meanwhile, the QB controversy is going along just swimmingly. For everyone but the Dolphins, that is.
David Garrard is hurt. The head trainer quickly throws Garrard under the bus, telling Philbin that he hurt his knee while playing with his kid. We later learn it had been bothering him for a while under the very same trainer’s watchful eye. Hmm…did the Mets trainers make it down to Miami and did I miss it?
Hey, Dolphins fans! Ryan Tannehill actually did a not-awful job against Tampa Bay’s third string defense.
Don’t worry, I’m sure the unbiased Miami media is going to take that performance with the grain of salt it deserves.
/clicks on Miami Herald website
/Reads headline “MIAMI DOLPHINS’ RYAN TANNEHILL IS WHAT FANS HAVE BEEN LONGING FOR SINCE DAN MARINO”
/Goes back to Google image searching “Lauren Tannehill”
I’m just hoping the Dolphins continue to forget that Matt Moore is a good quarterback and likely the best leader on the team. Here’s to finding him relegated to the clipboard all season.
Now here we have a clip that succinctly combines the three best parts of this season’s Hard Knocks.
First, there’s the only gratuitous cheerleader shot in this episode, which is ridiculous. Remember where you came from, HBO.
Next we have Lauren Tannehill, Queen of the Players’ Wives already just one game into her rookie season, getting the rest of the gals all hunkered down to prepare for some inclement weather. Rain in Florida in August? Must be some crazy summer they’re having down there.
Finally, we have Offensive Line coach Jim Turner, who complains about the weather too but, in a much funnier way. Jim does not subscribe to the Philbin School of Sparse Profanity. He does pushups on the sidelines before games. He’s a Marine. As much as it pains me to admit it, I like this guy. More on him later.
I guess now’s the time to talk about the Ochocinco madness. Just a couple of quick things:
1) This is why you don’t marry someone right after you meet them. On Twitter. Named Chad Johnson.
2) He (allegedly) head butted his wife in the face. Apparently there was some indecision within the Dolphins organization whether or not to cut him, which I don’t completely understand. Send your wife to the hospital -> Get cut. Sounds pretty automatic to me. And yet it has reportedly caused some division in the locker room. Steve Ross check his text messages lately?
3) The Philbin/Johnson cut scene was a six-foot hero of awkward and embarrassing. I was glad when it was over.
4) Chad was about to get cut from the team regardless of the incident. If this wasn’t on HBO no one would care (and probably still don’t). Let’s just move on.
- O-line coach Jim Turner showed a Call Me Maybe video the Dolphins cheerleaders made (google it) to the offensive line in order to, shall we say, “perk them up” during a long meeting. Nevermind this breaks about 100 NFL rules. Brilliant move by Jim and makes me worried the Dolphins O-line might end up being legitimate. You can’t beat that kind of coaching savvy.
- OC Mike Sherman, on the other hand, took a different tack. He went around the room calling out each individual Dolphins tight end for sucking so much. Example: “I would cut you if I were the General Manager.” BOOM! ROASTED.
- Sharkbait GM and sunburned ginger Jeff Ireland met with Peter King and told him he’s worried about the wideouts. I don’t have anything else to say about this. I’m just glad he finally put a hat on.
- YOUR WEEKLY IRRELEVANT RICKY WILLIAMS UPDATE: Rumor has it Ricky’s trip to Cancun was cancelled due to a hurricane. Refunds will be paid in the form of a life-changing, spiritual rebirth. You’re welcome.