Brian Bassett, theJetsBlog.comOn Twitter, @Cop_Rock asked us if we were going to review Hard Knocks, to which we replied that since we currently don’t subscribe to HBO and are waiting on Treme to reinstate it, the answer is sadly no. Thanks to @Cop_Rock, I found this awaiting my inbox last night. Enjoy!
After a one year hiatus due to the lockout, Hard Knocks returned to HBO this past week at the training camp home of the Miami Dolphins. In case you don’t have HBO, here’s the recap from a Jets fan perspective.
Hard Knocks is back and fortunately or unfortunately, we’re stuck this year watching the shark bait that is the Miami Dolphins. Despite the “transformation” process we’re told is underway, through one episode they still seem like a bunch of losers. Remember when this rivalry used to matter? Anyway, let’s dig in …
We start out with Poor Derek Dennis. Hard Knocks has certain rules that follow pretty closely to the rules when watching a horror movie. The first undrafted free agent they follow is like the horny teenager. Sitting down in the GM’s chair is like running up the stairs when being chased by the killer. DEREK WATCH OUT THE CAMERA IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU! We barely get past the opening credits and Poor Derek Dennis is packing his bags.
Next we are introduced to the Fins’ budding QB controversy by meeting the contestants in their homes. Why does this feel like an episode of The Newlywed Game? There might be a QB controversy, but the QB-wife controversy is pretty much locked up…Lauren Tannehill everybody!
Serious quote: “We started out in sickness and health but that’s OK”. I don’t know if hanging out by the pool at a resort while Mr. Lauren Tannehill drinks mai tais and holds out for more money counts as “sickness”, but…OK. I have a feeling we will be seeing some more of you young lady. Anyway, moving on…
David Garrard lives on the lake next to Bobby Boucher and his workout regimen while recovering from back surgery apparently includes some extreme form of water skiing. I am starting to get the feeling this is not a serious football team.
The saving grace and the most likeable contestant by far is Matt Moore. Gosh darnit this guy is just so adorable. He tastes his kid’s babyfood first to make sure it’s not poisoned, his wife gives him crap for liking The Bachelorette and truth be told he’s not an AWFUL quarterback. Matt I am going to feel so bad for you when Calvin Pace smashes you to pieces in Week 3.
When did the tall bald alien from Men in Black start coaching the Dolphins?
Oh, sorry. That’s former Packers OC Joe Philbin, and he has no clue. Tune in next week when he starts speaking Arquillian and centers his motivational speeches around protecting the galaxy.
Did you know Braylon Edwards tried out for the Dolphins before signing with Seattle? Braylon’s recently been calling himself “B Easy”. When was this guy ever “easy” about anything? B Easy at dropping wide open deep balls? B Easy at picking fights with vertically challenged members of Lebron James’s entourage? B Easy at getting DUIs? Last season everyone seemed to want to compare him to Plax but really that’s like comparing which feels better on your nether regions: Icy Hot or Tiger Balm.
Braylon spent a day at Dolphins camp which led to this exchange with Sharkbait GM and unfortunate redhead (RIDICULOUS FOR THAT CLIMATE) Jeff Ireland:
JI: Who’s that guy in your hip pocket, that’s you know, ‘just sign him’, who’s gonna be on your bandwagon?
B EASY: Rex Ryan
JI: (incredulous) Rex Ryan?
B EASY: Rex Ryan. I played two years with Coach Ryan, and he and I had a very good –
JI: (waving finger) I’m not calling Rex Ryan.
Between this exchange and Sharkbait owner Stephen Ross declining to give Ireland a vote of confidence in the opening presser, Jeff Ireland is already the underdog at camp (Hint: It is never a good thing when your GM is the underdog at camp.).
I’m not going to go into a lot of detail about Chad Johnson because all the clips are out there and honestly his act is kind of played out. But here’s the gist: his wife won’t have sex with him unless he scores touchdowns (aka “Cobweb Mode”), he walked into a confidential coach’s meeting uninvited, and he gave a fairly humorous press conference about how he might quit football for porn that got him a stern warning about foul language from The Arquillian.
- The Dolphins are staying at a Renaissance Hotel and they make it kind of a big deal about whether or not you get a single or double occupancy room. This led to a fantastic moment when the clerk could not pronounce Ryan Tannehill’s name. That’s usually a positive sign for your star QB and I hope that was pointed out during the holdout discussions.
- Vontae Davis has a small bladder and keeps leaving workouts to piss. The Arquillian will not stand for it. Keep this in mind the next time people give Revis a hard time about his hammy. [UPDATE: Davis' grandma must have HBO and told him to get in shape]
- Ricky Williams hasn’t been on the Dolphins since 2010, but I would be remiss not to mention that he is a) still nuts and b) organizing a trip to Cancun for anyone interested. Be sure to see his Twitter account.
- There’s always one guy that you hate because he’s on the rival team, but you know you’d love him if he was on your team. This year that guy is Center Mike Pouncey. The thing I hate/like the most about Pouncey are his Patrick Ewing-nostrils, which he gets cleaned out with a weedwacker during the first episode.
- Les Brown is the Dolphins’s Hayden Smith and the guy HBO is going to follow around during the rest of camp. Brown did not play college football (D-III basketball) and the Dolphins are trying to convert him tight end. Tricky thing there is to play tight end in the NFL, you kind of need to be able to do this thing called “blocking”. Should be fun to watch Brown get destroyed during “blocking” drills and the requisite follow up “aw shucks” interviews. Bonus points: his lady friend is a looker, which we know because Ol’ Les greets her with “You look hot.” So there you go.
To sum up, through one episode there is one clear star of the Miami Dolphins, and it should come as no surprise: